[D_o_S]

Originally Posted by NYG

My mans is a cyborg.

Yes, I have been told this quite a few times (not by her...)

Originally Posted by rebekahb

I wouldn't even know how to summarize but essentially he thinks that we are trying to box his relationship into the social idea of what relationships are supposed to be. The things is this chick doesn't even ask him basic caring questions that a normal human in a relationship would. No one giving advice is trying to box anything in. It's a lost cause.

At least that's what I think I got out of it

Yeah, not so much that you're/the forum is, but rather society as a whole seems to define what is acceptable and what is not. I don't really give in to that, so I understand that this "relationship" doesn't fit into a box, yet carries some relationship characteristics, that's sort of why it is weird...

On the other hand, I can see things (lack of support, etc.), but the way I interpret them may, of course, be wrong = hence the lost cause, which may, or may not be accurate.

I think we can all definitely conclude that things are not moving from "whatever it is" to "partnership/relationship" along any normal or speedy trajectory.

Originally Posted by sygazelle

He hasn't slept with her and he says he's okay with that since its not his primary goal. He's concerned that some of us have asked if he's slept with her yet when he says he never asked for advice on that aspect of the relationship.


meanwhile.....she's on some other forum telling it's members that a guy she is seeing won't initiate an intimate encounter and she's wondering if there is something wrong with her.

Yeah, this sort of got me wondering if I am, indeed, asking the wrong questions. Perhaps the only question I should be asking is "How do I act as the man I want to be", rather than all my "How do I tell her this", "How do I talk about that" etc.

Originally Posted by cmyx6go

I've been silent on this. But....You gotta stop. This is going nowhere.

I believe she does feel good, because it's hard to fathom - knowing her, her morals and standards - that she would spend as much time with someone who did not make her feel good. I mean, would you go out with someone 60 times, if they made you feel "ugh"? Would you go on holidays together, would you spend evenings together? If you were just using the other person, then surely, there are easier ways to achieve your goals than spending countless hours together?


You've been out over 60 times and have gone on holidays together and you haven't slept with her?


She, on the other hand, through several statements and actions (or lack thereof) makes, I feel (yes, this is subjective), little effort to support me in anything. I have never heard "Hey, that's great!", "Hey, go and have fun and let me know how it was". When I am happy about something, she doesn't seem to care, doesn't seem to acknowledge that it's a big deal to me, and I want to share it with her. No, she steps it down, says things like "Yeah, call me whenever." or "Come and share this or that sometime". And yes, she does ridicule my choices sometimes "Why would anyone want to do that?". "Why would anyone listen to that?". "I have friends and they are so and so [and you're not, so you're clearly wrong]". As I have mentioned in this thread, there have been several possibilities for her to extend a helping hand - and she volunteered nothing.

I don't even know what category to put you in. Even if this was a friend zone, she would/should be supportive of you.

This woman has no intention of this going anywhere. For whatever reason she spends time with you, I don't know. She is using you to occupy her time. I'm sorry to be blunt but move on. Take this from a 59 year old woman's perspective. I don't mean to be hurtful, but you have to stop thinking anything is going to change.

Thanks for the feedback. Especially the friend zone thing is puzzling, on the one hand she will say "Hey, I'm here for you", but she will very very rarely offer actual help. I mean, I have had situations where other girls/friends have offered help right away (hey, you're sick, and so what can I do for you? Can I cook for you? --- such offers came from friends, but not from her), and she was included in the situation and said "nothing", or went to rant about her own issues... It just puzzles me, I cannot really understand where such, dare I call it hypocrisy, may come from.

But yeah, I am starting to agree I need to take a step back from all this, I am way too involved, and, unfortunately I am preocupied dealing with things I should not be dealing with. (I.e. she should be helpful/supportive, I should be able to tell her "Hey, I could use some help" or even "I don't feel supported" and she should be able to say "Hey, sorry about that, anything I can do for you?... not me having to think it over a thousand times, consult online forums, write about it, etc.) Vice versa, she says I support her a lot and she says she is very thankful for that.

Originally Posted by floridaorange

Congruence is an interesting way of putting it. Does she show other signs of chemistry with you? Do you guys kiss and stuff? I'm not bothered by the fact that you haven't slept together if you aren't married, that might be a smart move. What I'm wondering about is how much chemistry you have?

Also, OP, have you ever been in love before this woman? And how old are you two?

Yes, we kiss, and she doesn't seem to mind my touch (i.e. she doesn't retract), but she's clearly not a very touchy person... She does open herself up to me in terms of posture, and (again, this may be me seeing what I want to see), she mirrors me - i.e. if I cross my legs, she crosses hers. If I turn towards her, she turns towards me on the couch. She fiddles with her hair when talking to me, she oftentimes presents an "open pose", i.e. puts her hands behind her head, doesn't cross her arms, etc.

The age question is one, I again will admit, I have sort of deliberately avoided, because I feel it will sway public opinion dramatically, but: I'm in my 30s and she is in her 40s, and there is a 10 year (give or take) age difference between us...

Originally Posted by chresto

You are asking for the opinion of this forum and if you read back you will see that pretty much everyone is in agreement with certain things you seem to dismiss. You can’t get any further support here and any further posts will only try to make fun of your situation. You seem troubled and the actual reality seems to contradict your own personal reality. It might be worth seeing a psychologist and trying CBT if you want to explore your thoughts and perceptions further in a meaningful way. Ultimately, if you think you have figured everything out and your only issue in life is acceptance, I can only suggest you trying mindfulness meditation and seeing what happens.

Thanks, I have considered mindfullness/meditation and I think it will be something I will look into to "slow myself down", so to speak. Yes, while the general consensus here is "run", "not worth your time" etc, I understand that this is a web forum, limited by capacity to a) explain myself and b) people to preoccupy themselves with my problems. Also, I very well realize that all that I have written and portrayed is one sided, it is my side... and I believe hearing hers would be worthwhile. And, at the end of the day, may my relationship with her be whatever - it is definitely one of the rarest relationships on the levels of mutual understanding, that I have experienced with any woman.

I know I could sleep with others, I know it would be much easier than sleeping with her, I know there are other women, that have offered help and support much more clearly in the past. But with no other woman have I shared such an understanding of the world, perhaps (and that's what I also feel from her side) such "good" in the other person...

.... but perhaps that "wanting to see good" is the whole reason for this thread, and is the whole reason for my troubles: I want to see something and I try to adjust my perception to it, endlessly, "ignoring the blatant truth".